Red Flags

NUCLEAR 93

“Do whatever you want”

Under no circumstance do whatever you want. Whatever you want is how civilizations fall. Pick the option she has not said out loud.

NUCLEAR 88

Crying, then getting mad you comforted her

You were supposed to already know the correct ritual. Hugging was an act of war. Standing still was also an act of war.

NUCLEAR 71

Showing up at your job “just to talk”

Your manager now knows more about your relationship than your priest. HR is a war crime tribunal and you are the defendant.

SEVERE 56

The 3-day silent treatment

Triggered by a typo. You wrote “your” instead of “you’re” and now you live in a museum of your own mistakes.

SEVERE 49

“Who is she?”

About your cousin in a 2014 tagged photo. You will now produce a family tree, notarized, with blood types.

SEVERE 44

Last-seen forensics

She is reconstructing your evening from green dots the way a detective reconstructs a crime scene. You were “online.” That is the crime.

MODERATE 41

“I’m not like other girls”

Said while planning your funeral, color-coding the seating chart, and deciding who gets the Aux cord at the wake.

MILD 38

“It’s fine.”

It is not fine. It has never been fine. Fine is a loaded word and you just stepped on it.

SEVERE 0

Checking your location “out of love”

She is not worried. She is building a case. Find My Friends is now a federal agency and you are Exhibit A.